After a healing stay in one of the hospital beds and an amateur patch job by Jyn herself, Cassian is ready to move around again. She's explained that the first room he walks into with his device will be registered as his and starts leading the way towards hers and Bodhi's rooms, assuming he'll want to stick close by. She tries not to worry about the others of Rogue One even while this sets a concerning precedent.
Her hand never leaves his arm as if he might succumb to his injuries all over again. She walks past 5-24 and 5-25 and then right through 5-26 which she knows is empty, shooting him an open look full of all her hope and fear at once. She would only trust one of their team with that rawness of emotion and she entrusts it all to him now, knowing it may still be too much for him to take.
"We have to stick together. You agree, don't you?" Asked after they're inside and she's essentially taken the choice out of his hands, naturally.
He lets out a breath he's been holding since… since they didn't die.
"Yes. I agree."
I can no longer imagine any other way
A lifetime of isolation, the only one he'd let in a droid he'd reprogrammed himself—
Kay. I'm so sorry, Kay.
—and then: Jyn Erso, the crack in the blaster casing that blew it all irrevocably open. If she hadn't said it first, would he have found the courage…?
What's too much need to put on another person?
What he saw in her face was reflected right back at her in his.
And because she'd done the harder part, speaking first, he tries to pull his weight. He sets the device almost ceremonially down in the room they've claimed for him, then turns to face her. Though his voice is only half its usual volume as he adds: "I won't leave your side again, unless you want me to."
She reluctantly lets go of him once inside and lets out a breath she honestly hadn't remembered holding herself. She must have been holding onto it for at least that long, her whole stay aboard Reverie Terminal, that's for certain. Her lips twitch though the humor is forced and she shakes her head at him as though he's truly hopeless.
"I just said I didn't want that, Cassian. My room is right next door. And Bodhi is on the other side of my wall."
So he always knows where to find them. It is difficult to have this conversation though it shouldn't be. And it's harder still to reach out for him after she's dropped the contact, instead loosely holding her arms in front of herself, her hand encircling one slim wrist with her fingerless gloves.
Maybe he reads it in her body language, maybe he's just feeling it too strongly himself… maybe they did die, were atomized into one another on that beach, molecules sifting together, and he can't feel complete without her now.
Stop that. A dying moment is not a contract. Stop.
Her breathing stutters when he reaches out first and she looks down at his hand then up at his face, swallowing once. Somehow it's so much different from Bodhi, whom she practically clings to at any given opportunity. Rather than try to analyze it, she launches herself forward, ignoring his hand to wrap her arms around his whole person, trying to be gentle even as her fingers fist in the fabric at the back of his jumpsuit. An impromptu, but anything except gentle embrace filling up the moment that would have remained otherwise empty, her eyes filling with tears just as quickly.
If he has lingering pain from his injuries at the embrace, he ignores it utterly. His arms go around her at once, holding her tightly, back; and his breath is shaky too, but deeper, in restoration. He wouldn't complain, they're both alive and together, but he never wants her ripped from his arms again.
He pulls back just enough to look into her face, bring up one hand to touch her cheek. Then uses it to palm shut the door and, keeping an arm around her, move them to where they can sit. "Tell me everything."
Jyn's breath catches all over again at the touch to her face, leaning into his hand for a moment that stills before he's tugging her towards the bed. She sits on the end of it with him without protest, angling her body towards him so that their knees brush, but her hands fall to her lap, needing a bit of space to gather her thoughts.
"I've been here 8 weeks now, Cassian. I know that doesn't make any sense, that Scarif was moments ago for you. It was for me, too, when I first arrived. And Bodhi, he's been here at least twice as long. There are other people here, too, from our galaxy, but not from our time. Some have heard of Rogue One and what we've accomplished, but many know nothing about it. Stop me if I'm going too fast." She swallows, reaching for his hand this time and dragging it so it rests on top of her knee, laced with hers. "Most people aren't from there though, but a planet called Earth. And this station... We believe it was built by people of that planet as well, though it's impossible to tell how long ago they abandoned it."
For a lightheaded moment, Cassian wakefully dreams he's arguing with Kaytu over whether or not there are afterlives.
His fingers, twined with Jyn's, anchors him. He looks down at their joined hands and wills his brain to stop spinning.
There's so much to parse, but does it ultimately matter…? if the kyberblast didn't annihilate them but instead opened a hole in space-/time-… if they did die but were resurrected in some fashion to come here… if they were captured and kept in staggered stasis, if… if… if…
But whatever it is…
"I'm still stuck," he says aloud, slowly, "on how we're here to begin with. But… I get to have more time with you. So I guess I don't care. I accept that gift, and whatever I have to do to keep it. If that's learning about and perhaps serving this station… I accept."
She squeezes his hand so hard it must hurt, but she doesn't let up, staring directly into his eyes.
"Good because we don't have a choice. We have to help these people get back to where they belong." And maybe... if they get more time together because of it, she can live with that.
He stares back into her eyes. Had he precisely catalogued before their exact shade of green? And the flecks in them… like…
Stardust, he remembers and realizes. Of course.
He wants suddenly to kiss her.
…All right. Not suddenly. He's wanted to kiss her for a while. Since before arriving here. But he'll never trust it if it's initiated by himself, so he makes no move.
The squeeze hurts a little but he wouldn't have her let up for anything. He squeezes a bit more gently back.
"Is it wrong," he says quietly, "that the only thing I sort of… am not… entirely grateful for… is that I thought I was finally… finished?"
She narrows her eyes, oblivious to his intentions. She takes comfort from their proximity, but she's much more focused on his words than his lips.
"You wanted to die," she cautiously floats out as a theory, uncertain if she's right or even what it means. She's still not even positive they are dead - will be? It's impossible to know as long as they're here. Jyn lets go of his hand abruptly, but stays close, nodding once. "I'm tired, too." But that doesn't mean they give up. Neither of them are capable of that.
"I was ready to die." He doesn't seek her hand again, much as he feels its loss. "I'm glad to be alive. I guess it's petty. I devoted my life to a cause, I gave my life for it… and then… what's at the top of the hill but another hill."
He shakes his head at himself. "I shouldn't have said… I don't know what I'm saying. I think you're right… maybe I should get some sleep."
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
un: kamen.rider
hey, room 525. are you alive? 'cause i got a question to ask.
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the anti-psychotic kind, if you know what that is.
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how sick are you? i'm assuming here.
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and no one's died yet?
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for @candor1
After a healing stay in one of the hospital beds and an amateur patch job by Jyn herself, Cassian is ready to move around again. She's explained that the first room he walks into with his device will be registered as his and starts leading the way towards hers and Bodhi's rooms, assuming he'll want to stick close by. She tries not to worry about the others of Rogue One even while this sets a concerning precedent.
Her hand never leaves his arm as if he might succumb to his injuries all over again. She walks past 5-24 and 5-25 and then right through 5-26 which she knows is empty, shooting him an open look full of all her hope and fear at once. She would only trust one of their team with that rawness of emotion and she entrusts it all to him now, knowing it may still be too much for him to take.
"We have to stick together. You agree, don't you?" Asked after they're inside and she's essentially taken the choice out of his hands, naturally.
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"Yes. I agree."
I can no longer imagine any other way
A lifetime of isolation, the only one he'd let in a droid he'd reprogrammed himself—
Kay. I'm so sorry, Kay.
—and then: Jyn Erso, the crack in the blaster casing that blew it all irrevocably open. If she hadn't said it first, would he have found the courage…?
What's too much need to put on another person?
What he saw in her face was reflected right back at her in his.
And because she'd done the harder part, speaking first, he tries to pull his weight. He sets the device almost ceremonially down in the room they've claimed for him, then turns to face her. Though his voice is only half its usual volume as he adds: "I won't leave your side again, unless you want me to."
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"I just said I didn't want that, Cassian. My room is right next door. And Bodhi is on the other side of my wall."
So he always knows where to find them. It is difficult to have this conversation though it shouldn't be. And it's harder still to reach out for him after she's dropped the contact, instead loosely holding her arms in front of herself, her hand encircling one slim wrist with her fingerless gloves.
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Stop that. A dying moment is not a contract. Stop.
But he holds out his hand to her.
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"I have so much to tell you."
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He pulls back just enough to look into her face, bring up one hand to touch her cheek. Then uses it to palm shut the door and, keeping an arm around her, move them to where they can sit. "Tell me everything."
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"I've been here 8 weeks now, Cassian. I know that doesn't make any sense, that Scarif was moments ago for you. It was for me, too, when I first arrived. And Bodhi, he's been here at least twice as long. There are other people here, too, from our galaxy, but not from our time. Some have heard of Rogue One and what we've accomplished, but many know nothing about it. Stop me if I'm going too fast." She swallows, reaching for his hand this time and dragging it so it rests on top of her knee, laced with hers. "Most people aren't from there though, but a planet called Earth. And this station... We believe it was built by people of that planet as well, though it's impossible to tell how long ago they abandoned it."
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His fingers, twined with Jyn's, anchors him. He looks down at their joined hands and wills his brain to stop spinning.
There's so much to parse, but does it ultimately matter…? if the kyberblast didn't annihilate them but instead opened a hole in space-/time-… if they did die but were resurrected in some fashion to come here… if they were captured and kept in staggered stasis, if… if… if…
But whatever it is…
"I'm still stuck," he says aloud, slowly, "on how we're here to begin with. But… I get to have more time with you. So I guess I don't care. I accept that gift, and whatever I have to do to keep it. If that's learning about and perhaps serving this station… I accept."
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"Good because we don't have a choice. We have to help these people get back to where they belong." And maybe... if they get more time together because of it, she can live with that.
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Stardust, he remembers and realizes. Of course.
He wants suddenly to kiss her.
…All right. Not suddenly. He's wanted to kiss her for a while. Since before arriving here. But he'll never trust it if it's initiated by himself, so he makes no move.
The squeeze hurts a little but he wouldn't have her let up for anything. He squeezes a bit more gently back.
"Is it wrong," he says quietly, "that the only thing I sort of… am not… entirely grateful for… is that I thought I was finally… finished?"
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"You wanted to die," she cautiously floats out as a theory, uncertain if she's right or even what it means. She's still not even positive they are dead - will be? It's impossible to know as long as they're here. Jyn lets go of his hand abruptly, but stays close, nodding once. "I'm tired, too." But that doesn't mean they give up. Neither of them are capable of that.
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He shakes his head at himself. "I shouldn't have said… I don't know what I'm saying. I think you're right… maybe I should get some sleep."
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